THIS time last year we hired a bull to 'do the business' with our suckler beef herd.

No hint of trouble. Foot and mouth? A farming myth, back in the ages of time. Today, the outbreak is ruling our lives and this year we have decided to buy a bull and keep him at home for the next few years, as it seems increasingly unlikely that there will be the free transfer of animals we have been used to for some time to come.

It took a fortnight to complete the paper work necessary for the sale as now, instead of a straightforward transaction, there are vets' licences, animal inspections, movement authorisations etc to complete. The whole process is, as I would imagine it, like going to a video-dating agency; with photos, details and action films to supplement the affair. If the bull had been wearing a carnation in his lug and carrying a rolled up newspaper under his left shoulder when we went to pick him up, I would not have been surprised.

This blind date, however, is a very public affair. First we had to get the trailer officially disinfected and sealed, travel on an approved route and meet with an ADAS official at the farm where we were buying the bull. The ADAS official was lovely. Clueless but lovely. "I've never done one of these before," she admitted. "I've left my mobile phone switched off all day hoping that no one would contact me, then I switch it back on again and they catch me with this one."

Wonderful thought. The ministry workers are as fed up with the system as we are. But her lack of knowledge is dangerous, and the rapid change of regulations had caught her unawares. Only the previous day, Mrs Beckett, our new minister and countryside expert (she does, after all, go caravanning), had brought in a ruling that stock coming onto a farm must be kept in a secure field, for 21 days. We knew about it because we had been told by the 'long distance movement centre' (sounds vaguely repulsive) in Exeter, but even they were not sure.

"It mentions sheep, goats and pigs," I was told, "and I'm sure it's meant to say cattle but I can't find the wording. I've got 45,000 movement applications on this computer, so I hope this is the right information. Anyway, just make sure it's a strong fence in between, that will be all right."

Have these officials ever seen a one-ton bull that fancies a group of cows on the other side of a fence or hedge?

What's more, if he could not get to our cows, he might fancy some of those of our neighbours. Disastrous. The only option was to put him in a secure foldyard away from all the other stock for 21 days, and kiss goodbye to our calving plan for the next month.

Back to our ADAS lady who knew nothing about the 21-day restriction. "I can't keep up with all that bumph they keep sending me," she said. "I do milk records, I haven't got time to read everything that comes through." We know how she feels but the difference is we get prosecuted if it's wrong, she doesn't. "Can you help me to fill in the forms," she went on, "it's so confusing." In the end, I felt sorry for her as the three men involved with the sale, the farmer, his worker and John were so blatantly chauvinistic about the whole episode, and openly scathing about her lack of knowledge, that I wanted to protect her.

Finally, though, the whole business went very smoothly. There was some argument as to who has to pay for the vets' visit, as we understood it was the ministry but the farmer we were buying from has received a bill and wanted to split the cost. Our ADAS lady followed us back to our farm and watched the bull snort his way out of the trailer and into the foldyard.

"'He's a bit lively," she said from behind John.

"I hope he'll be even livelier," John replied, "when he's been on his own for the next three weeks and gets out with those cows."

Updated: 08:56 Thursday, July 26, 2001