Be kind to yourself, says BILL MERRINGTON

HAVE you thought over the past week that it was good you didn’t buy a house that might flood, or that you decided not to go on a cruise recently?

There are many things in life we have plenty of choice over. However, some things we simply have no choice about. We are all born, grow, age and die. We are given our genes from our parents who in turn, had no choice over their gene characteristics.

Life is vulnerable to diseases, injury, accidents, pain and suffering. Sorry to be so bleak, but perhaps there is a message here worth absorbing.

We have to accept the ‘lot’ we were given in life. It’s not that God ran out of the best bits when he made us and just used second-hand parts. We are what we are.

So we are left with the choice of coming to terms with who we are, our humanness, or go down kicking and fighting.

A zebra will be chased by a lion, manage to escape and ten minutes later be content, calm and return to eating grass.

We however, are wired very differently. We can ruminate over a problem for weeks, months and sometimes for years after the event. If this is how the brain works, perhaps what is called for is a large dose of compassion. As we become adults, alas we outgrow having a mother who can shelter us and calm our fears with their love and warmth. This can only mean that we have to learn how to be kind to ourselves.

In my garden, it seems that the plants grow regardless of what I may do, but if I want to shape and cultivate it, I have to take control before the weeds take over.

This is no different to our own wellbeing. If we can recognise how our brain works with its desires and emotions, we can begin to shape it for our good.

Paul Gilbert developed a therapy called, ‘compassionate focused therapy.’ This is based on the concept of noticing and being sensitive to what is happening to you, especially in the body. We seem to be good at noticing what is occurring around us, but find it harder to recognise what is actually happening within us.

What is required is a high level of tolerance and empathy for ourselves. After all we had no choice in being emotionally wired as we are. Many things happen to us that we have no control over. It doesn’t help in punishing ourselves for things out of our control. The difficulty is that some of us find it easier to be compassionate with others but find it hard to reciprocate the feeling in ourselves.

We constantly have a choice of living either in the past, present or future. If you reflect on something that went wrong last week, you will quickly find a critical spirit who turns up and judges you. We have to hold the ‘critic’ in us compassionately. If you find yourself in a stressful situation and become aware of the tension within yourself, a compassionate approach is required. Say to yourself, ‘well, there is no one else here except myself, its true I don’t feel good enough, it is tough, but I’ve not been here before and I’m learning on the job, I wonder who else can help me with this situation, I wonder what my ‘wise self’ would say?’

If we are going to learn to be compassionate with ourselves we need to recognise how we can increase our self-awareness. This requires a degree of attentiveness of noticing how we react to situations. This ability is the foundation point to begin to handle a situation. We then need to identify the emotions that have been stirred within us. Sitting and acknowledging such feelings can allow them to dissipate. A simple exercise is to sit and place your hand on your stomach and become aware of feelings within. Say to yourself, ‘hello anger, or sadness etc., I recognise you and it’s OK.’ Repeat this until the feeling changes. We have a kaleidoscope of emotions within and the more we acknowledge and release them, we are lightening our burden. If we don’t, we will trigger negative imagery and fantasy that tends to lead to a pessimistic outlook. Next, develop a positive thinking approach by repeating to yourself a positive sentence. I often use this sentence (saying it on my outward breath),

‘May I be filled with loving kindness,

May I be well,

May I be peacefully at ease,

May I be content.’

Finally focus on what you want to be or become today. The brain that we have inherited is complex and at times struggles with this modern world we live in. So be kind to yourself and develop a thinking, compassionate approach to each day. And if you are kinder to yourself today, you may be kinder to others tomorrow.

Dr Bill Merrington is a private therapist and chartered psychologist working in the York district. If you would like to join a compassionate mindful class contact Bill on info@bmerri.com