Reading all about me

2:51pm Thursday 1st May 2008

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THERE I am, sitting at my desk having an early-morning breakfast, which is the norm, with a large black coffee and a bacon butty (apologies of using slang reading my favourite local newspaper, the Ryedale Gazette & Herald of course, when I suddenly realised that I had become for some unknown reason to myself the centre of attention.

I am of course referring to an article (April 23) written by the occasional contributor a Mr John Collins, a gentleman who is a self-confessed sufferer of the dreaded Lynne Truss syndrome. I initially thought that he had possibly problems with some surgical apparatus, but I must confess having no knowledge about this condition, I had to educate myself on the world wide web, where I discovered that she was some sort of authoress, who gets a very honourable mention in the forward to The Dictionary of Sussex Dialect and as they say in my most polite circles "Not a lot of people know that".

Anyway reading further on, I saw that there was now a personal attack about my good self, and indeed he also managed to include, an unwarranted attack on the literary capabilities of the businessmen of Malton, my initial reaction was to say "so what" but then realised that he'd take me to task personally about posters that I had in my window advertising my professional services by offering my clients the opportunity of either paying a fee or having commission deducted from investments, but more importantly, he got really excited with the phrase "We prescribe to treating customers fairly".

I would like to say at this conjecture that the Financial Services Authority being the regulator of all financial services firms have issued directives on this matter, which all firms must adhere to, and if you have any doubts about this, please go on the Financial Services Authority website and have a look.

However, as he points out, the saga really began sometime last summer, when "a Johnny come know all" barged into my office and pontificated to the receptionist on duty about the usage of the word prescribe which was on a window display, the receptionist didn't know whether the man was a crank or a nutter but he wouldn't accept the opportunity to have a meeting with myself as proprietor of the company to discuss and debate the true merit of this matter in a more constructive basis.

Having said all that I am still at a complete loss to understand what the hell he is going on about, and perhaps he would through the good offices of your paper have the manners and decency to explain to me in words of one syllable the merits of his argument before I cite the usage of the word as laid down in statute that is in the Financial Services Acts, and Income Tax Acts, or maybe the lawmakers have got it wrong as well.

Hopefully we can then sort the matter out to everybody's satisfaction, before everybody goes to sleep, as I am beginning to yawn a bit myself, as I write this letter. Or perhaps he would prefer a dual (sic), with dictionaries, that is at 50 yards of course.

So I shall wait with baited (sic) breath to hear what he has to say, and in the meantime, I am helping to sponsor the Art Explosion Week to be held in Malton in July, by advertising a thematic feature entitled the art of prescribing real investment advice in the world of finance.

Anyway must leave now, I have a doctors appointment, where I hope he will prescribe to me a prescription for my newly-found ailment of English-language deficiency, which is not unexpected, since I took my English O-level examination some 50 years ago "when people spoke proper" - QED.

Mike Mycroft, Malton