Living in a flat-pack wonderland (From Gazette & Herald)

Living in a flat-pack wonderland

As the sun was up and I had time on my hands this weekend, I decided to be a suck-up and help my dad in the garden.

And it really was for love - no amount of money he could give me will heal the emotional scars I gained as a result of my goodwill.

Well it wasn't that bad (worms don't die when you chop them in two with a hoe do they? That's good - I've just doubled the worm community.)

It's just in situations like that I tend to go back to my stereotype blonde roots (well maybe that wasn't well phrased - my blonde hair and dark roots then) and the mud and the toads and the unflattering wellies are a bit much for me to cope with.

We're a bit of a DIY household though, so there's not much chance of escaping my parents' creations even if I don't do any of it myself. Every room in our house is artily decorated by dad (which aren't half bad), but it's the actual construction parts that go a bit askew.

Every newly-done-out room needs its Ikea furniture, else it's simply not good enough, in my parents Sven-like view, so Sunday after wretched Sunday we tootle off to Leeds to fill the car with boxes of useless, but ever so "now" flat-pack furniture.

And dad, like a little boy with one of those dull fighter plane kits, empties the entire contents onto the floor as soon as we get home to make my new bed or sofa or birdhouse minus the instruction leaflet, just to prove that he is the DIY king. And strangely enough, there's always a pile of unidentified wooden bits once construction has finished ("Spares," says dad. "Why has my bed only got three legs?" says I). Rumour has it that my sister came from Ikea in a packet - looks like dad made a botched job of that one too.

But it looks like I'll have to get used to living outdoors - I've been exiled to live with the dog on account of me smelling like her. But its not my fault - the shower's broken, the bathroom is being redecorated and I gave the garden hose the same treatment as the worms got last Sunday - give me a professional any day.

Updated: 16:21 Wednesday, April 09, 2003